Dear Coco –
I got made fun of today for doing breathing excercises while waiting for a class to start. I could feel myself wanting to tear the person apart for being ignorant. That feeling is soooooo not like me. It’s just not me to feel that type of rage inside over basically nothing. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep.
It’s scared me to feel that way and it still scares me. I hope it’s just due to lack of sleep. I don’t like those jumpy, negative feelings that are becoming more pronounced.
Anyways, just my thoughts.
My eyes are shutting with exhaustion.
Dear Coco –
It’s 0230 and I’m trying to stay awake during watch. I can’t help but think, why am I doing this? If I was anywhere else I’d probably be getting up to go to the bathroom and then stumbling back to bed and going back to sleep. Yet, here I am awake in uniform making sure no one breaks into the women’s sleeping area. They call it Fireguard . . . Watching to make sure no fires are started but I think they should call it rape watch. (Bad sense of humor but really, that’s what it is.)
Wishing someone was here to have a real conversation with right now. Ahhhh . . . The beauty of the military, the beauty of training.
I wonder if I”m the right type of person to be here. I mean I can play the part well and fit in just fine but inside is it really who I am? I’m not 100% sure if I’m what they are actually look for here. I’m hard and like challenges but inside I’m really a peaceful person. I sort of fell my lightheartedness vanishing bechid a cold exterior of ‘war’ and it’s not something I like. Call it what you will but it’s definitely of form of self preservation and protection. I miss being my bubbly, happy, smiley self.
I try to remind myself that this is only temporary and soon it will be done and I will be independent again. Yet, I can’t deny the feeling that I want to run away to some beach somewhere and do yoga, drink margaritas and learn how to surf!
Time for bed (again).
Dear Coco –
There was so much I wanted to tell you much I just didn’t have time. Five minutes on our phone call was not enough time. Not to be weird but your voice gave me strength and at the same time made me realize how much I miss the real world. This world is so artificial and set in its ways.
We talk constantly of ‘killing our enemies’ and the ‘terrors’ abroad. I think I’m beginning to realize what a peaceful person I really am. Hahaha…
To be dreamy and go back to fantasy land, I wish I could be on a beach somewhere, drinking margaritas, watching the waves crash against the shore while listening to music. To be in a blissful state where the only thing I have to worry about is if I need another drink or more sunscreen. Just being alone with my friends there, talking about life and the paths we’ve chosen.
I suppose it’s too late for me. I have at least a 6 year adventure ahead of me with the Army . . . I’ve chosen my path for now . . . A grand story of sorts. Man, I’m starting to feel like Bilbo Baggins here, writing about my life! hahahahaha . . .
Anyways, I have Fireguard (work) at 0200 so I have to sleep. Just know I’m thinking about the future away from the military. Hopefully I will wind up on that beach drinking margaritas in my dreams!
Dear Coco –
We got our weapons today. I’m not sue how I feel about it. I have to sleep with it next to my head at night. Hmmmmm . . . Guess I’m excited to shoot targets and play soldier although I’m pretty sure I could never shoot a real person. I mean I could shoot a real person if I had to of course but just thinking that I’m training to actually shoot a person is mildly mind blowing. There are some very “crazy” people here who are like super soldier type personalities! Wow, I guess my mind is just blown by how some people can become so brainwashed by something or by an organization so quickly. What happened to power of individual thought?
Anyways, I did my fitness assessment today. I did really well and took 40 seconds off my one mile run!
I’m tired. Not for any reason but just a lack of sleep. I miss our conversations. There’s no one here who is stimulating intellectually. Sigh . . . I keep wondering what you’re doing, how the weather is and if I’ll see you over Christmas. I miss your jokes and the way you always challenged me to think and be better. It’s funny but even the Drill Instructors I don’t find to be that motivational.
I guess it’s harder here than I thought because I have to self motivate. I was hoping that their would be these people I would just “click” with but it hasn’t been that way. Maybe it’s because I’m so much older. I don’t know. But, I’ve always been self motivated so I guess that’s nothing new.
Well, I guess I should get some sleep. We get two hours on Sunday for church or personal worship. I plan on doing yoga and meditating!
Dear Coco –
Today our Drill Sergeant told us we need to find our motivation for being in the Army . . . What makes us tick and what we need to do when we ‘dig deep.’ I really couldn’t think of my motivation, why I wanted to be here. Why do I? I know it’s a question that you’ve asked me many times and I always had an answer but for once I realized that I had no reason other than to prove to myself I can do it. I just wanted the experience, just to do it. I suppose I just wanted to know what it was like. I want to experience everything I can. My motivation . . . ?
I really have no motivation except to experience the entire thing, to live the entire experience to the most I can. Maybe that’s not enough of a reason but that’s mine. That’s all I have.
I have to say I haven’t really gotten a nervous once yet, offended maybe, but only by the stupidity of humanity. To see the other people, kids, eating it all up and not realizing how brainwashed they are getting is amazing.
I’m glad I have a mind of my own and values instilled in me already.
Dear Coco –
I feel like I’m in a dream, like this reality is something foreign. It’s strange, like this adventure isn’t actually reality and that I’m just someone watching it all happen yet participating at the same time.
I do like my Drill Sergeant. He/They are very mature and respectful, no cursing or physical type punishments (which surprises me). They want to train us so that we are prepared for real life, not some fake reality of Basic Training, which I can completely respect. I guess I lucked out that I got leaders who are more like me, if not in age at least in thinking for the most part. I know it’s early and it’s only the first day but this is completely the opposite of what I expected.
I suppose part of me just fells like an outsider looking into my life right now. Most people don’t join the military and most people don’t do most of what I’ve done already with my life.
I think all the other girls must think I’m crazy because I’m still awake writing and they are all sleeping. Hahahaha….I guess old habits die hard! I never could sleep unless I wrote something at home.
Tag line for my story right now: When I was 18 I joined the Coast Guard, at 21 I got a tattoo and climbed a mountain, at 25 got my Masters Degree, at 30 ran a ultra marathon and at 31 joined the Army.
Dear Coco –
I’m traveling today. After a delayed flight and having all the people I’m taveling with freaking out that they won’t make it to Fort Jackson they are finally relaxing. I’m still in the airport trying to not second guess my choices. Is this right? I mean it’s definitely too last now. My apartment is gone and empty. My car is sold. My clothes are in storage. My job is gone. I’ve burned my bridges. If I could turn around and run back would I? I’m about to enter into a life that I said I didn’t want again….military. Maybe this time I am more prepared since I know what to expect and this was a conscious decision.
Change is good, right? I have my reasons, right? Going to travel to new places, going to learn a new language, going to meet new people, going to get away from my old life and create something new. I need this change, right?
Ahhhh I’m going in circles. My dear Coco . . . I should try and sleep on the floor for a bit now. I’m definitely not as young as these other people. Hopefully I can keep up with them. Hahahaha! I know you would say hopefully they can keep up with me! Hahahaha.
Talk to you soon!