Day 5: 09 Novemeber (Part 1)

Dear Coco – 

It’s 0230 and I’m trying to stay awake during watch.  I can’t help but think, why am I doing this? If I was anywhere else I’d probably be getting up to go to the bathroom and then stumbling back to bed and going back to sleep.  Yet, here I am awake in uniform making sure no one breaks into the women’s sleeping area.  They call it Fireguard . . . Watching to make sure no fires are started but I think they should call it rape watch.  (Bad sense of humor but really, that’s what it is.)

Wishing someone was here to have a real conversation with right now.  Ahhhh . . . The beauty of the military, the beauty of training.

I wonder if I”m the right type of person to be here.  I mean I can play the part well and fit in just fine but inside is it really who I am?  I’m not 100% sure if I’m what they are actually look for here.  I’m hard and like challenges but inside I’m really a peaceful person.  I sort of fell my lightheartedness vanishing bechid a cold exterior of ‘war’ and it’s not something I like.  Call it what you will but it’s definitely of form of self preservation and protection.  I miss being my bubbly, happy, smiley self.  

I try to remind myself that this is only temporary and soon it will be done and I will be independent again.  Yet, I can’t deny the feeling that I want to run away to some beach somewhere and do yoga, drink margaritas and learn how to surf!  

Time for bed (again).




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