Dear Coco –
It’s 0230 and I’m trying to stay awake during watch. I can’t help but think, why am I doing this? If I was anywhere else I’d probably be getting up to go to the bathroom and then stumbling back to bed and going back to sleep. Yet, here I am awake in uniform making sure no one breaks into the women’s sleeping area. They call it Fireguard . . . Watching to make sure no fires are started but I think they should call it rape watch. (Bad sense of humor but really, that’s what it is.)
Wishing someone was here to have a real conversation with right now. Ahhhh . . . The beauty of the military, the beauty of training.
I wonder if I”m the right type of person to be here. I mean I can play the part well and fit in just fine but inside is it really who I am? I’m not 100% sure if I’m what they are actually look for here. I’m hard and like challenges but inside I’m really a peaceful person. I sort of fell my lightheartedness vanishing bechid a cold exterior of ‘war’ and it’s not something I like. Call it what you will but it’s definitely of form of self preservation and protection. I miss being my bubbly, happy, smiley self.
I try to remind myself that this is only temporary and soon it will be done and I will be independent again. Yet, I can’t deny the feeling that I want to run away to some beach somewhere and do yoga, drink margaritas and learn how to surf!
Time for bed (again).